Standing while a loved one shouts and screams at you, occasionally lashing out and hitting you. Such a force of rage, brewed up in an instant, and you are the target for all that venom.
What do you do?
You try to offer a word of defence or challenge their point of view, and the effect is like pouring water on a fire of oil. The rage erupts into greater ferocity, eyes straining in their sockets, bloodshot from the strains of anger and hatred.
What do you do?
You try to hold the flaying arms as they continually lash out at you, but your touch is reacted to as if you have seared their arms with branding irons. The rage erupts yet further.
What do you do? …
Answer = Remain Calm …
Experience has taught me. This reaction is passing. In time, it may not even be remembered. It is not personal. It is just a reaction to a situation. I aim to understand what that situation was. It could be that a spoken word has caused confusion, and his autistic mind cannot process what that word means. Panic has therefore set in. Fight or flight has set in. It could be that a smell, or a sound, or even the sensation of touch, or taste, has given rise to a hypersensitivity overload which triggers a need to defend against.
Can you stand in the face of that outrage and aggression? Ensure that he is (s)afe and can do no harm to himself. Reduce the level of stimulation from all sources. Can you ensure you are aware that you are intervening on behalf of a terrified person who needs your help and understanding? Can you remain (c)alm in the face of this attack? Can you find a way to empathise with this person, speaking softly and understandingly? (A)ffirm that you hear what they are saying, even if you disagree. Can you understand their requirement for (r)outine and guide them towards those familiar and safe places and activities? Through the ongoing rage, can you find a way to (e)mpathise with them? Demonstrating you’re in support and not in conflict with them. Have you understood yet what triggered this rage in the first place? An understanding that will help you (d)evelop a plan to prevent it next time.
Would you be able to understand that the person in front of you with such aggression and anger is SCARED? And needs your help.
You want to hug them, but can’t, as the sensation of being held at that moment would aggravate their sensitivities. Feelings of being trapped and constrained. You want to look them in the eye, but eye contact would be seen as threatening. You must guide them from a distance and stand with them until they calm down. When they do, then you can reach out and hold them. Comforting them as you always have and demonstrating your unconditional love for them.
Do you understand the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum?