The Shadow of a Man …

The Crow …

“The shadow is that hidden, repressed, for the most part, inferior and guilt-laden personality whose ultimate ramifications reach back into the realm of our animal ancestors … (Carl Jung)

Day after day, the crow sat on the fence, just watching. Its eye seemingly penetrated my soul, freezing the lifeblood pumping through my heart. Unafraid as I approached it, the crow remained unmoving, just staring. Memories, none of them good, of mystical associations with doom flooded my thoughts. This crow was taking me on a journey into darkness – a journey down a long, dark, damp passage without light. Without hope.

Unwanted thoughts of regret course through my mind. I am grieving for something I do not have, and I do not have the right to grieve. Do I?

Over many long weeks and months, watching my son writhe in tormented pain, unable to help him other than to hold him, I was comforting him only by my presence and suffering a father’s regret of not being able to do anything tangible to release him from his burden. Each day, several times a day, he needs more and more support. My life seems to be nothing more than forever kneeling at my son’s side, trying desperately to bring him comfort. His seizures cause him to strike out. He strikes me, claws me, and knows nothing about what he is doing.

I take a short respite from his care and walk into the neglected garden. The crow sits as it always does, watching and chilling me as it stares as if waiting for a dying soul.

This is relentless. My journey down into this dark place has gripped me, sucking all optimism out of me. Was this what fatherhood should be like? Why was I not blessed with the son we had thought we would have? Would I regain any happiness in my life? The darkness increased, and all hope was now completely drained. Shut off from the world, I withdraw into my dark thoughts. I deal only with those essential needs of care for our son. I am not eating correctly, not seeing anything positive in life, and praying for a permanent end to this feeling.

However, crows can represent death, danger, misfortune and illness, but also rebirth, self-reflection, intelligence, and loyalty, and as such, can be both good and bad omens. My mind was in such a dark place I had assumed Hades had sent the crow to pick over my carcass after watching me suffer. I have realised this crow signalled a change in our son’s health. He will remain seriously unwell, which is inevitable, but the dark place he was in appears to have changed, too, and gradually, a smile returns to his face.

I feel guilty now that I was feeling so low. In all the years since we were blessed with the arrival of our boy, I have never felt this bad. We are told it is okay to feel this way. It does not feel OK, but it is wrong. Slowly, as our son’s health stabilises, we have a more optimistic outlook.